Fear: Lost at Sea

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.

- Marianne Williamson

I'm compelled to write the story of my biggest fear after reading the tragic news of a pregnant woman who watched her fiance drift away into the Pacific Ocean as she was unable to rescue him. I was made aware of this story through a forum I participate in for women sailors. Sure, I'm not sailing around the world at the moment or in the near future for that matter but I have logged a few thousand miles at sea with the love of my life and our child. I never want to feel that pain. The pain of loss, the loss of control, the helplessness and the pain of being alone.

It was my first crossing. I really had NO IDEA what I was getting into. I knew I loved a man and he wanted to show me his passion. As we headed out of the inlet toward the Gulf Stream my surroundings were immediately unfamiliar. The night black, the water angry and it took so much longer for me to acclimate to noise and light. My mind began to tailspin into worry. The ocean was teeming with life, huge creatures from the deep like Jaws and Moby Dick! What if he fell in? What would I do?  Sour tingles began in my throat and I threw up the whole way to the Bahamas. I couldn't even take a watch. That was my first crossing.

I was given a few books to read from some of G's friends, Tania Aebi's Maiden Voyage and Red Sky in Mourning by Tami Oldham Ashcraft. After reading Tami's book, I was shaken into a vigilant watch over the two of them during our long passages. I made everyone sleep in the cockpit - together. Red Sky in Mourning speaks of how the author was sleeping down below during her fiance's watch only to wake up to find the boat had been rolled and her fiance lost at sea. It was a gut-wrenching feeling that I only wanted to experience once. The time I read about her experience, in the book.

Each boat, each delivery, each passage is different and there is no formula for a perfect experience. Some things are unavoidable. We could pick the best weather window and mother nature could still throw a curve ball. We could have the most expensive electronics and still get struck by lightening. Even if they were "experts" or "over-prepared", I can only think, God Forbid! Seriously, I can only put love and compassion out there for their healing. I could never say, "they should have had this electronic gadget," or "they should have taken this class..." I'd like to think my peers would have mercy on me if I ever had to suffer this horrific fate.

Take your fears and turn them around, learn from them and let them make you better. Is this fear enough to make me stay at home, play it safe and forget about all the beauty that we have to experience in life? Heck No!!I'm a firm believer in there are only two emotions in life, love and fear. And Love conquers all.

Namaste.
Jessica
xoxo

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