I've Got 99 Problems Because Boats Are Dumb!

"If you're having boat problems I feel bad for you hun,  we've got 99 problems 'cause boats are dumb!"

One of the most financially successful entrepreneur/hip hop artists of all time, Jay-Z, released a song called "99 Problems" (warning EXPLICIT lyrics) in 2004. The chorus sings, "I've got 99 problems and a b*&%$ ain't one"! This song is excellent for blasting and dancing or singing to expel any frustrations you may have during any of the following issues. So I made it "I've got 99 Problems Because Boats are Dumb!" Let's, for a moment, forget that song is incredibly inappropriate for children, women, authoritative figures and many others and just laugh with me - please!  

 This guy did a parody to the song so you'll get the gist of the song without the foul language. 

1. What's That Noise?
2. Canned Peas (eww)
3. Strainer is Blocked
4. The God Awful Caribbean Heat (seriously, I'm melting)
5. No See Ums!
6. There Goes My Nice Shirt... Again
7. Ran Aground
8. Sun Burn on Your Unmentionables
9. Rough Seas
10. Sailing with a Hangover
11. Prop got Bent
12. Out of Propane, COFFEE!!
13. Dust in my Varnish Job
14. Drain Clogged from...Ewww!
15. Steering Cable Broke
16. Hatches are Leaking
17. You Didn't Want to Be Anywhere By Any Certain Time Did You?
18. The "Dink, Dink, Dink" of "This Guy's" Halyard
19. Docking.
20. No Air Conditioning
21. Mosquitoes are Biting
22. Slip Fees
23. Something's Leaking but I have No Idea What
24. Haul Out Fees
25. Customs Fees
26. You Weren't Trying to Keep That White Shirt White, Right?
27. Bottom Cleaning, "Ouch, barnacles bite!"
28. Oh, You Mean You Made Plans?
29. Ever Heard of Chainplates? Yeah, You'd Better Check Them Out!
30. The Sound of Wires Inside the Mast "Tinkling"
31. Trying to Find Parts to ANYTHING in Exotic Locations
32. Hurricane Season
33. Batteries Are Dead
34. Ran Out of  Drinking Water
35. Bilge Pump Quit Working
36. Toilet Won't Flush
37. Anchorage Rolling
38. Fiberglass Dust in My Eye
39. 32 Volt Battery System
40. Generator Died
41. Friends are Leaving
42. Thru-hull Frozen
43. Hot Water Heater Died
44. Sailing to Windward
45. Climbing On-board at High Tide
46. B.O.A.T. - Break Out Another Thousand!
47. No Wi-Fi Connection
48. No GPS Satellite Reception, Back to the Charts!!
49. No Cable TV, Eh, There's Never Anything On Anyway!
50. Everything is Corroded, Damn That Sun!
51. The Dinghy is Missing - It Wasn't ME!
52. Outboard Won't Start, Time To Take Her Apart!
53. The ONLY Wrench Fell Overboard, AHHH!
54. 24 Hours with Your Partner, 365 Days....How Long Have we Been Doing This??
55. Listing Because of Weight, Are All The Cans On That Side?
56. Lines in the Propeller, Or Crab Pots
57. Ran Out of Fuel, "Boats Don't Run out of Fuel, Captain's Do!"
58. Tear in the Sail, Bust Out the Sail Repair Kit
59. Pump Out Fees, That Sh*t Stinks! (Pun Intended)
60. Dock Fees
61. Random Coast Guard Boarding ("for training")
62. No Fresh Veggies in Town
63. Laundry Day - Heavy Lifting
64. Rainy Season
65. Remember that Leak?!
66. Butchering the Local Language in Order to Get Parts
67. Pets, Vets, and Certificates
68. Remember HOT SHOWERS?
69. Varnish is Chipping
70. Cats Get Sea Sick
71. Cat Litter  Bits Everywhere
72. Cat Food Bits That You Randomly Stick to Feet
73. Do We Have Flea Medicine?
74. Vet Paperwork, Is it Current?
75. Registration, where is it? 
76. Do We Have Extra Impeller(s)
77. Warranty JUST Expired on That Thing
78. Blown Gaskets
79. Customs Fees (did I say that already?) (yes)
80. Pump Out Fee (something about all these fees)
81. Ran Out of Conditioner
82. Leaving Behind Amazing Friends
83. Honey, Where's the Cat? (overboard, yikes!)
84. The Horrors of Homeschooling
85. Is this Chicken? Or Lizard? Or, (shudder) just eat it!
86. Montezuma's Revenge!
87. Wait!! You're Having Fun?? Beep, beep!! Anchor Alarm
88. Big Boat Wakes
89. Inflatable Boat's Deflating
90. Fuel Costs
91. Naked Neighbors (not the hot ones!)
92. Unexplained bruises & scrapes
93. Lightening Strikes
94. Tricky Multi-Function Counter Space
95. Crazy, Sailor Girl Hair, Oh the knots!!
96. Outboard Engine Pull Start Cord Issues
97. Dust in Your Varnish Job
98. Mold Growing on Anything and Everything
99. Pump Out Hose Mishaps

And if you still want to go cruising, you just might survive with some amazing stories to regale your friends with for many, many years to come! Are we gluttons for punishment or is all our suffering just par for the course of steering our own way against the flow of an ordinary life in search of some extra - ordinary?